If buying shoes were like filling out your tax forms...

The Shoe Salesman's Story
Anonymous

“I’d like to buy a pair of black leather shoes, please.”

“Sir, if only it were that simple. Here’s my card. Letter of introduction and here’s your Statutory Notice.”

“What’s this for?”

“It tells you that I can only talk to you about shoes and allied products sold by this shop. I can’t talk to you about shoes sold by any other shoe shop nor can I give advice on sausages for instance.”

“I see.”

“Probably the best way to proceed is to show you where we fit into the footwear industry. We buy the most of our footwear from the Far East at a fairly modest price and sell them on to the public at a considerably higher price. Of course, out of the mark-up we pay for transportation, import duties, rent and sales, display staff, sales staff, cleaners and administration staff etc., and, of course, the shareholders have to be paid a dividend out of the remaining profits. Not many people think about this when they buy shoes. It may be that even when I have all the facts I may recommend that you do not buy footwear at all. May I proceed?”

“What do you want to know?”

“Well how many arms and legs have you got for a start?”

“What have arms got to do with shoes?”

“Well, sir, if for example you had only one arm and I sold you a pair of shoes with laces – it could be construed by BASTARD as bad advice.”

“Who’s Bastard?”

“The Boot and Shoe Trade and Regulatory Directorate.”

“What would they do?”

“Put the boot in. A friend of mine had to leave the industry.”

“What did he do wrong?”

“Sold a pair of carpet slippers.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Turned out the guy didn’t have a carpet. So you see. I need to build up a full profile of you. For example, do you need the shoes for business or pleasure or business and pleasure? How many shoes have you got already? How many are casual, smart, trainers and sandals? How many suits and what colour are they? Do you have athlete’s foot? Can you touch your toes? Any corns or bunions or has your family a history of foot rot? What kind of socks do you wear? How often do you cut your toenails? How much do you earn and what’s your overall budget? Well, thank you for that information … I’ll give it some serious thought and will be able to advise you about the appropriate product in two week’s time.

Two weeks later …

“Ah, good morning sir I’ve given your enquiry serious thought and what you need is a pair of black leather shoes.”

“Isn’t that what I asked for in the first place?”

“With respect sir, you have had the benefit of my professional advice based upon all the relevant facts as provided and you now know with some certainty that you require black leather shoes. All the guesswork’s been taken out of it. Here’s your Risk Analysis – I recommend you buy these leather shoes because they’ll keep your feet dry, match your suits, look smart and you can afford them.”

“Well, I’m glad that’s settled.”

“Right. Please complete this application form. Here’s a quotation for your signature. It shows a complete breakdown of costs and profits and includes my 1.27% commission. The product particulars describe in great detail how the shoes are made and the “key features” are a summary of the product particulars, highlighting the risk factors.

“Risk factors?”

“Yes, for example, if you live too long the shoes may need repairing. On the other hand, if you die before you’ve had your wear out of them, I’m afraid there’ll be no refund, even if they don’t fit another member of the family. So just to recap: you’ve got my card, Letter of Introduction, your Statuary Notice, product particulars, key features, quotation and Risk Analysis. Now please take a seat while we await the letter from my head office advising you that I do in fact work for this company. By the way, there is a cooling off period – you can still return the shoes within 30 days and receive a full refund if you don’t like them for any reason. Incidentally, how are you paying?”

“Cash.”

“Well, sir, we have to consider the possibility of money laundering, so would you mind nipping home for a telephone bill or utility bill, your last tax return with your tax number clearly printed by SARS and a certified copy of your South African Identity document to prove your identity so that I can be sure that you are genuine and not mixed up in some sort of unsavoury financial arrangement? And one last thing, sir, do any of your friends require shoes?”